Monday, May 20, 2013

I'm Schizophrenic and So Am I!

I don't know if any of you are keeping score. But, this morning's post is number 18! Trust me! No one is more shocked by this fact than me. This thing should have died an early death after 3 or 4 weeks. Remember? This was all a joke, right? Apparently not!

Stainless attributes the loyalty of my small band of readers to the fact that I am not afraid to show vulnerability, at the risk of embarrassing the "you know what" out of myself. I don't know if that's true or not. Thus far, I don't think I have posted anything that has made me unique in ANY way. I even went as far as to tread on the sacred ground of prayer requests, and several of you commented, "The same thought goes through my mind every Sunday."

Interesting thing about transparency, though. Seemingly, we are all attracted to it. And most of us think that WE are transparent.  I read a blog last week that was as general, vague, and ambiguous as anything I have ever read. The first comment was, "Love the transparency!" In text speak, I LOL'd! It's clear to me that we are so enamored with transparency, that we identify it, even in its absence.

Which brings me to the explanation of the title of this post. In James' letter in the Bible, the writer introduces the concept of the "double-minded man" in the first few verses of Chapter 1 and continues this theme through all 5 chapters of this short Epistle. I identify with the double minded man in every way. I struggle so much in attempting to "walk the talk." Daily, the task of being single minded and simply doing the "next right thing" in front of me evolves into a seemingly impossible proposition.

I must confess to learning a valuable lesson WAY too late in life. I was in my early 40's before I realized that I was judging myself based on my intentions while you were judging me based on my actions! This startling reality came with a very expensive price tag and the inner turmoil that accompanies it sometimes feels overwhelming. You have no idea how virtuous my intentions really are! Sadly, these intentions are seldom followed by action. Double-minded!

In reality, I'm about as transparent as the muddy water in the Red River, sixty miles north of here. I cannot let you know the real me because I am afraid! Remember, I covered fear a few weeks ago. I'm afraid that if you knew the real Kev, you would hate my guts! Double-minded!

For this reason, I call upon a Power greater than myself every day in order to keep me single minded. I talk to Stainless, Shoe, and others almost daily to hold me accountable and to CLEARLY point out when my actions are not consistent with my intentions.

I have dear friends who encourage me all the time to keep trudging on, fighting the good fight and to "Expect a Miracle." I don't know if you are expecting a miracle or not. I know I'm NOT. No, I'm NOT expecting a miracle, I'm DEPENDING on one! Single-minded!

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