I Think I Might Vomit!

It's Thursday evening and I'm exhausted. I am not in a "blogging" frame of mind. In fact, this particular entry should probably not be posted. This topic truly does belong in a REAL Therapist's office. But, the only therapist I ever trusted is in his 80's now and did not return my last call six months ago. I kind of always thought I was counseling him, anyway. Go figure!

One week ago today, I was in the throes of a pity party meltdown. I will spare you the details. (Remember? I'm not THAT transparent either!) Let's just suffice it to say, it was UGLY. I did take a few hostages that day that bore the brunt of my selfish ramblings. But as you may have guessed, Stainless caught more of it than most.

Within just a few hours, I received a phone call making me aware me that my problem would be solved this week. Pride and ego are preventing me from telling the whole story. But the fact is, I was informed that I was about to be the recipient of an OVERWHELMING act of kindness and generosity. Who? Me? NO! Not me!

Why is being on the receiving end so difficult? What tells us we are not worthy? Why do we think that we do not deserve an act of kindness that others are seemingly so eager and  willing to perform?

Stubborn? Stainless just called it plain stubborn! He kind of softened the blow by saying he has the same tendency. But, he turned it on me and said that I would actually be in the wrong if I remained so stubborn and  actually ROBBED someone of their joy from doing this kind act for me!

Wait a minute! Let me digest that. If I refuse the act of kindness, I am STEALING their joy?  The GIVER feels joy and the RECEIVER feels like he needs to vomit? What is wrong with this picture?

I'm reminded of the old preacher's story that everyone has heard who's ever sat through more than five sermons. It's about the man who climbs to his roof top as flood waters rise around his house. When the neighbor, in a canoe paddles up offering aid, the man says, "No thanks! God will save me!" The same thing happens when the Fire Department comes up in a motor boat. "No thanks! God will save me!" The scenario is the same when a helicopter hovers above offering to drop a safety rope ladder. "No thanks! God will save me!"

Obviously, the man drowns and goes to meet his Maker. The first question out of his mouth was "God, why didn't you save me?" To which, God replied, "I sent a canoe, a ski boat, and helicopter! I was kind of running out of ideas!"

I claim to trust God, yet I am still inclined to spurn His kids when He sends them my way. I will need a few more days before I can truly appreciate this blessing. And truthfully, I do feel a little ill. Unworthy. Undeserving. Yet, right at this very moment, I feel gratitude. So grateful, that in spite of myself, I was willing to jump into the canoe!