I'm not sure which post it was. But I am certain I have already shared that my normal state of existence is that of being in a perpetual state of restless, irritable, and discontent. Most often that manifests itself as anger. In some social circles, I am still referred to as "Angry Kevin."
Several years ago, I was fortunate enough to have coffee with a somewhat famous fellow that belongs to my faith tradition. He has appeared on all the national news shows from Good Morning America to Larry King. He simply asked me one question. I don't even remember what he asked. I do remember going into a five to ten minute rant about my strong held beliefs and how NO ONE was living up to my expectations.
His next question was very simple. "Why are you so angry?"
It has taken years and years to come to grips with his question. What a shame! Because the truth is, I've never really been angry at all! I've paid a great price to come to this awareness.This knowledge has not come cheap. The harsh reality of the situation is that I've spent most of my life in various degrees of outright FEAR.
I am scared to death! And I cannot let anyone know! And what's even crazier is that if do go out on a limb and share this embarrassing truth with someone in order to gain their confidence and hopefully help them to see that, in fact, they are just fearful too.....it's often the last conversation we ever have.
After all, not only would John Wayne not approve of fear, he would not tolerate it for a second! This is America! We aren't afraid of anything!. We pull ourselves up by our own boot straps and don't depend on anyone for anything. So, in order to keep up appearances, I go through life afraid of just about everyone and everything.
This path of self-reliance is very lonely, indeed. The path becomes even more difficult when I wake up every morning believing that I'm not enough. Knowing that I'm never going to be enough. And scared to death that you all know, that I know, that I'm never going to be enough.
So, the problem is clear! You are surely to ask "Well, Angry Kevin, have you found a solution?"
I learned the solution over 20 years ago when Tucker was just a toddler. We had taken him down to the community center for the free immunizations offered by the county. It was just down the street and money was tight. Teressa could never bear to watch. So she went into the corner to cry as I held him in my lap and two different nurses injected him in both legs at the same time. I will NEVER forget his reaction. He didn't even cry at first. He simply turned his head and looked at me as if to say, "YOU JERK! YOU ARE MY DAD! Why did you let them do this to me?"
A child is totally and completely dependent on a power greater than himself. He is forced to have faith and trust in that power (typically a parent) to protect him and comfort him when he's afraid.
Tucker taught me a valuable lesson that morning. And on most days, I am able to bring that memory into some kind of consciousness. And I am able to crawl into the lap of that Power, and be reliant and trusting, and He takes the fear away.
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