Hoping To Obtain A Better Past

Some time ago, I either read or heard the statement, "I've finally given up on trying to have a better past."

Funny! Real funny! LOL, ROFL, LMAO!

It really is kind of funny. I would dearly love to laugh at this sentiment. And I would. Oh, I would, if the thought of it did not make me want to break down and cry.

Some time, very early on in this little experiment, I titled an entry "Wreckage of the Future," or some such. And on that day, I was being as brutally honest as possible. And today, I really still feel that way. In my mind, it seems that I always project to the wreckage of the future. Fear, plain and simple. Terror, actually! It is startling how, when anything does not go my way, within a matter of seconds, I've lost it all, and am living under the bridge at Hines Boulevard and Northwest Highway.

However, you all know that I've been meditating now since the first of the year. Quite proud of that, actually. As of this morning, over 200 sessions, and nearly 50 hours of total time spent in meditation. That fact is nothing short of astounding for me. But I digress.

What the true attempt to be PRESENT  has taught me is that I really, really need, hope, and aspire to a WAY BETTER PAST. Do any of you realize just how hard that is to accomplish? It seems almost impossible! And I'm getting real, real close to giving up on the whole idea.

The "shoulda , coulda, wouldas" paralyze me. They pretty much render me worthless and completely prohibit me from being of any kind of real service to God and my fellow man. And, trust me, my fellow man is in BAD shape. I talk to people daily who are in real crisis. They are in pain. They are fearful. They are lost. The need some hope. And time and time again, the thought crosses my mind that I could actually help them, if only I had made some different decisions in June of 1991, September of 1983, or any list of dates.

All these thoughts are probably rising to the surface as I approach the one year anniversary of turning down the preaching gig. In my heart of hearts, I did the right thing. I simply was not ready to take that on. Oddly, my detractors are convinced that they are responsible for that decision. They insincerely apoplogised to me for making me back out. Bless their hearts! No, the reality is, my supporters caused me to rethink the decision and realize that the timing was all wrong. To this day, they don't know that. Maybe, it is best that they don't. I suppose there is some regret about the Blog post that completely burned that bridge. But I truly didn't think the post was that offensive.  The "hate text" from the guy who was not even a member at that church seemed to indicate that it was. But, what are you going to do? God love him!

Today, I am resolved to GIVING UP ON THE WHOLE IDEA OF TRYING TO HAVE A BETTER PAST. It is SO exhausting. And if you are plagued with the "coulda, shoulda, wouldas," you might consider joining me.

Eaten Alive!

In her recent book, Blackout, Sarah Hepola quotes David Foster Wallace, from a commencement address he gave at Kenyon College:

"In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And an outstanding reason for choosing some sort of God or spiritual-type thing to worship---be it J.C. or Allah, be it Yahweh or the Wiccan mother-goddess or the Four Noble Truths or some infrangible set of ethical principles---is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive."

I cannot get this quote out of mind. And those of you who know me, know that four of these options are not on the table, for me, as objects of worship. But the idea of being "eaten alive" by any other object of worship has been resounding in my mind ever since I read this passage one night last week.

Seemingly, everyone I talk to, everyone I follow on the Twitter, every news story I see on the TV or the Internet.....this ENTIRE planet is being eaten alive!

For the most part, I could not give a popcorn fart about any of it. I've been accused of not "suffering fools." And if you are just THAT stupid, if you are just THAT ignorant, if you are just THAT unaware.....I have absolutely NOTHING for you.

But the calls still come in. My phone still rings. And very often, on the other end of the call, is someone who is being EATEN ALIVE, because the object of their worship is not God!

Wives, kids, jobs, exes, hobbies, coworkers, employers, churches, flags, governments, politicians, celebrities, sports figures......the list goes on and on and on and on.

I find myself getting caught up in it, too.  And I find it to be an empty, empty place. Our need to worship, being radically displaced in things and people other than God is eating us alive!

Maybe, I will offer a solution in the coming weeks. Or maybe, I'll just let you discover it on your own. But discovery is must! For I truly believe, that a RECKONING is near!

Could Someone Please Define Authentic?

I deactivated Facebook........AGAIN! Consequently, no one will read this. I suppose that's good. Because this post will meet with GREAT opposition. Once again, I am in the minority. I am just an "out of touch," narrow-minded, bigoted, homophobe, who tends to be a little judgmental.

The hashtag #authenticself makes me want to vomit! Period. End of sentence.

The same rant applies to #authenticself that applied to #liveyourtruth. Am I the only one on the planet that sees this? If we allow truth creation, instead of truth discovery, then NOTHING, I mean NOTHING matters! And if NOTHING matters, then who are we to judge?

No one wants to celebrate Joseph Stalin, who by most estimates, is responsible for the death of 20 MILLION people! Should he not be celebrated for being his #authenticself?

We seldom hear of a baby being named Adolph. But I would suggest that Adolph Hitler was doing nothing more than "living his truth" and being his #authenticself when he sought to wipe the Jews off the face of the Earth. His goal took a tremendous amount of courage. Should Hitler not be considered posthumously for the Arthur Ashe Award for Courage?

And speaking of courage! In my mind, those boys that decided to fly those airplanes into those Towers and into the Pentagon exhibited a level of courage I will NEVER have! And if anyone ever "lived out their truth" and acted on the convictions of their #authenticself, those boys did!

I truly anticipate that #authenticself will soon be heard as a defense in our Court system. Eventually, some Priest who has diddled countless numbers of altar boys will simply state that he had to be "true to himself" and live out his #authenticself.

Some child molester will argue convincingly that he was born with the desire to have sex with 4 year old little girls and he felt it necessary to be his #authenticself.

We live in a society that really doesn't ask us to just "accept" people. It requires us to place them on a pedestal. To worship them! To adore them! To bestow honors upon them!

And society calls me a hypocrite? No, indeed society is the hypocrite. Because it does NOT celebrate, worship, and adore EVERYONE (the Stalins, the Hitlers, the Terrorists, the Predators) that are doing nothing more than being their #authenticselves!