Some time ago, I either read or heard the statement, "I've finally given up on trying to have a better past."
Funny! Real funny! LOL, ROFL, LMAO!
It really is kind of funny. I would dearly love to laugh at this sentiment. And I would. Oh, I would, if the thought of it did not make me want to break down and cry.
Some time, very early on in this little experiment, I titled an entry "Wreckage of the Future," or some such. And on that day, I was being as brutally honest as possible. And today, I really still feel that way. In my mind, it seems that I always project to the wreckage of the future. Fear, plain and simple. Terror, actually! It is startling how, when anything does not go my way, within a matter of seconds, I've lost it all, and am living under the bridge at Hines Boulevard and Northwest Highway.
However, you all know that I've been meditating now since the first of the year. Quite proud of that, actually. As of this morning, over 200 sessions, and nearly 50 hours of total time spent in meditation. That fact is nothing short of astounding for me. But I digress.
What the true attempt to be PRESENT has taught me is that I really, really need, hope, and aspire to a WAY BETTER PAST. Do any of you realize just how hard that is to accomplish? It seems almost impossible! And I'm getting real, real close to giving up on the whole idea.
The "shoulda , coulda, wouldas" paralyze me. They pretty much render me worthless and completely prohibit me from being of any kind of real service to God and my fellow man. And, trust me, my fellow man is in BAD shape. I talk to people daily who are in real crisis. They are in pain. They are fearful. They are lost. The need some hope. And time and time again, the thought crosses my mind that I could actually help them, if only I had made some different decisions in June of 1991, September of 1983, or any list of dates.
All these thoughts are probably rising to the surface as I approach the one year anniversary of turning down the preaching gig. In my heart of hearts, I did the right thing. I simply was not ready to take that on. Oddly, my detractors are convinced that they are responsible for that decision. They insincerely apoplogised to me for making me back out. Bless their hearts! No, the reality is, my supporters caused me to rethink the decision and realize that the timing was all wrong. To this day, they don't know that. Maybe, it is best that they don't. I suppose there is some regret about the Blog post that completely burned that bridge. But I truly didn't think the post was that offensive. The "hate text" from the guy who was not even a member at that church seemed to indicate that it was. But, what are you going to do? God love him!
Today, I am resolved to GIVING UP ON THE WHOLE IDEA OF TRYING TO HAVE A BETTER PAST. It is SO exhausting. And if you are plagued with the "coulda, shoulda, wouldas," you might consider joining me.
